Another Horse, Another Lesson!

Toots came to the Rehm Ranch on October 27th, 2012. I received a phone call in the early afternoon from a friend who I'd trained a horse for this spring. He informed me that he was with a friend of his picking up a horse that had been sent to a trainer in South Dakota. This trainer was said to be a reputable trainer and thus the owner of Toots had sent her there in hopes of her being broken out nicely. After four months of phone calls and the trainer not answering his questions about Toots but rather avoiding them the owner headed up to South Dakota frustrated and set on bringing his horse home. What he found was not what he had brought there! Toots had lost 250 to 300 lbs and was not the same horse in temperament that he'd dropped off in South Dakota just four short months ago. As he loaded up Toots to bring her home his friend mentioned me, and he decided to give me a call.

 I was ecstatic when I received this phone call, for two reasons. The first reason was that God had spoken to me through a dream that He would give me four horses to train in the year 2012. As the end of the year neared I was wondering, "Lord are you really going to give me four horses? I've trained three this year, but where on earth is the fourth one coming from?" I should have known that God had it all planned out! I was overjoyed when I realized that God was bringing the dream He'd given me in the first place to completion. God always keeps His promises! The second reason I was really excited about Toots was because I felt like it was an opportunity for me to "rehabilitate" a horse! With my desire to volunteer at a non-profit ranch in Bend, Oregon that does just that someday I felt as if God was giving me an opportunity to prepare for that in yet another way! 

So the rehabilitating and training began. I consulted with Toots' owner and we immediately got her on grain and hay to try to put weight back on her. Daily I fed Toots, gave her TLC and began to teach her how to respond to the basic rule of pressure and release.

I could tell that Toots had some issues with reacting without thinking from the very beginning, but I had no idea to what extent. I felt that she was progressing along fairly nicely on her groundwork and I was soon riding her. 

 One afternoon I got home from work and went out to fetch Toots. I'd been riding her for a couple of days now in the round pen and felt that she was ready to progress to being ridden with the bit. I slipped the bit into her mouth and clipped the reins on and climbed onto her back. Part way through riding her I asked her to back up. Toots would back up well enough, but she resisted the bit and wouldn't drop her head and tuck her nose in like I wanted her too. I planned to take it in stride and address the issue like I always do. I kept asking her to back up not focusing on getting the actual steps backwards, but waiting for her to drop her head and tuck her nose before I released her. I got one or two steps quite nicely and rewarded her, then I asked her again, and that is when the totally unexpected happened. Without warning Toots flung herself into the air and came over backwards landing on top of me. I felt as if I was being squashed beneath the crushing weight of her 900 pounds and was sure I was going to be seriously injured! I grimaced beneath her weight as she rolled the full weight of her 900 pounds over onto my right leg before scrambling to her feet. I lay there shaking in shock and pain unsure if I was going to be able to stand up. Soon I was forced to when Toots started backing up towards me. Stumbling to my feet I limped to the house with my right arm and leg throbbing. I thought both of them would be broken for sure, in God's mercy neither of them were...just seriously bruised/sprained! 

As you can imagine although I did not cease to thank the Lord for sparing my life in this accident I also questioned Him as to why He would send a horse such as Toots to me! Clearly she must have had some pretty traumatic stuff in her background to respond to me the way she did and suddenly I didn't feel "qualified" for the job at all!

 God didn't respond with a loud booming answer, His answer came softly as I spent time at His feet and listened to His voice regarding Toots! One day as I was talking with a friend I realized  that Toots no longer trusts humans because they have not rewarded her when she did the right thing. Toots has lost the desire to please, she has closed herself up against humans because somewhere along the way she was not rewarded for trying! Because of this Toots literally disconnects her brain from me and what I'm asking her to do refusing to engage in the partnership I desire with her. Her attitude is one of, "There's never been anything in it for me in the past. I have never been rewarded for trying before, and I don't expect to be now!" 

 What Toots is failing to realize is that she's under a new master now, one who has her BEST in mind and will gladly reward even the slightest try! Yet I can not force Toots to trust me! As much as it pains me that she won't trust me I can not plead, beg, conjure, or convince her into trusting me! The only thing I can do is build a relationship with her and prove myself to her by faithfully rewarding and loving her! 

 One day Toots is going to realize my heart towards her, she's going to forgive humans and chose to trust again, and suddenly our relationship will charge forward like a rocket! But until then we are stuck! Me anxiously waiting, longing for Toots to realize how I really feel about her and recognize there is something in it for her, and Toots with a closed unreceiving attitude with no confidence in humans at all. 

As I was thinking about this the Lord spoke to me about my relationship with Him. Often this happens in my dealings with horses and I think that's because God knows that I understand best when He speaks in this way! You see sometimes I close my heart towards God and refuse to receive His affection because I'm afraid of Him rejecting me according to my shortcomings and my failures! I measure God by the way that others have dealt with me when I've failed them and come to the conclusion that He could NEVER love me after I failed Him AGAIN in that exact same way! Yet even as Toots I'm failing to remember I'm under a New Master who operates oh so much differently than my weak human friends!  

 You see in Romans it says there is NO condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, yet why do I daily receive more than my portion of condemnation from the Devil. Why do I close my spirit to His love and find myself trapped in the thoughts and ideas that I have of how God operates instead of the truth of who He really is? It is in this place that I feel the bitter pain of rejection and loneliness that is not actually coming from Him, but rather my own thoughts and ideas of who He is! Like Toots I'm stuck in a place of frustration and confusion unable to receive His love not because His love isn't extended, but rather because I'm refusing to trust that God is who He really says He is. 

 He took the bitter pain of my sin, past, present, and future on the cross and He left it nailed there and there is NO rejection from Him any longer! Does He correct me when I stray and sin? Absolutely, He will go to whatever lengths He needs to to take anything out of the way that hinders love! But what I fail to realize is correction and rejection are two totally different things! When God corrects me He doesn't reject me. But when I listen to Satan's whispers that He does and I close my heart to protect it from rejection I soon find myself far from Him wondering how on earth I'm in the place that I find myself! 

Perhaps it is time that I took the time to stop long enough and learn a lesson that God has been teaching me through a broken lil' horse that is learning to trust again. Perhaps it is time I realized that my Master's heart is good towards me, even as my heart is goods towards Toots! Perhaps I need to step back and listen the the words of a horse trainer to a broken horse, and maybe just maybe I'll find the words are not coming from me, but rather my heavenly Father! 

"Bekah, Don't you see that I love to reward more than correct? Don't you see that My love never stops for a moment, even when you fall short? When will you trust Me for who I am? When will you open your spirit to receive My love? Because I am just waiting, longing for you to trust!"