I had almost made it through my first half a mile when it happened. Something gave way in my right knee without warning. It was like my right knee just quit on me. Pain shot up my leg and screamed at me to quit running. I didn't want to quit! I figured I could limp this weird idiosyncrasy off while still halfway running. Taking on an offbeat rhythm I tried to do just that. I placed half my weight on my right leg and lifted it quickly while putting my full weight on my left and drawing out my stride as long as possible. This lasted for about three hobbles. Every other hop pain shot through my right knee and up my leg throwing off any small semblance of rhythm I was still managing to keep. The unexpected spikes of pain up my leg caused me to falter and threatened to throw me off the back of the treadmill in one ugly sweep of the belt. Defeated I slowed the treadmill to walking speed and limped painfully along. Even at a walk my right knee was still randomly giving way and throbbing painfully. I wracked my brains for what could be going on. I was baffled. In my childhood I had dealt with issues with my left knee, not my right, and even at that my left knee hadn't flared up in ages. What on earth was going on?!
I finished off my morning exercise routine walking and called it a morning. I was still puzzled throughout the day. That night I went line dancing crossing my fingers that my right knee would hold up for me. Line dancing went off without a hitch, but my left leg felt a little weird afterwards. On the car ride home my hand subconsciously reached down and began rubbing the side of my left leg. I was astonished at what I felt, and suddenly it made sense. My left leg was tender to the touch just above my knee. My fingers moved upwards on my leg following the strained muscle and until they stopped at a tight knot of scar tissue. Late this fall I had been bucked off a horse and stomped on. I thought the horse hoof print bruise that was left on my leg would fade with time. It did, but it also left it's mark turning into a lump of scar tissue. Since it never bothered me much anymore I hadn't given it much thought. As I rubbed the sore knot of scar tissue and the strained muscle below it the pieces fell into place in my mind. It wasn't the right knee that had a problem at all. An old injury that I had forgotten about was causing me to run in a way that sought to protect that injury. In doing so my right knee had taken the blunt force and weight of my morning runs for the last month. For a while my right leg could take the extra strain of protecting my injury. It had hidden the fact that an old injury had flared up. But eventually my right leg was forced to tell me the truth. It was forced to alert me to the fact that it was protecting and hiding the real pain. It pinpointed for me where the pain was originating from.
This little setback I've been dealing with has caused me to reflect on how this goes hand in hand with the pain we navigate in life. Anger, fear, depression, and many other negative emotions are not the actual issue. They are simply the byproduct of a deeper pain. I'm a fixer. If somethings wrong I want to fix it. So for me when I'm angry, or anxious, or downcast I want to fix it. I want to let my anger go, I want to wrestle my anxiety until I beat it, I want to be strong enough to conjure up joy when I'm discouraged. Honestly, this doesn't work. It's just like assuming there's a problem with my right knee just because it started causing me pain. Sometimes you have to dig a little deeper. Sometimes you have to play connect the dots. Sometimes you have to pinpoint the pain. The negative emotions we deal with are hiding the real injury, they're attempting to protect us from the enormity of the pain the original injury carries. But they can only do this for us for so long. One day they'll give way beneath the weight and strain and we will be forced to pinpoint where the pain is originating from.
You don't have to wait until those emotions give way and reveal the truth. You can pinpoint the pain at the early warning signs. You can listen when that injury hurts. You can take measures to heal that injury and strengthen it. Because one way or another that old injury, that abuse, that failed relationship, that shattered dream is going to make it's voice be heard. Listening to and pinpointing your pain requires being brave and intentional. It requires revisiting your pain so that it can be properly dealt with and healed. As hard as it is, as much as it hurts, it is way better than trying to keep running on an old injury. Own your pain so that your pain doesn't own you. Whatever the first step looks like for you, be brave enough to take it. Reach out to someone safe, allow them to step into your pain. Seek wise counsel. Find out what your resources are. Get a game plan to allow that old injury the healing process it deserves. You are made for more! You deserve to be whole and strong so that you can chase down your dreams without any hindrance! Be kind to yourself and listen to your pain. When it's all said and done you won't regret that you did!
So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong.
Hebrews 12:12-13 NLT
For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
Isaiah 43:19 NLT
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